When our relationship with ourself gets in the way of our romantic relationships
THIS THEME GETS REPEATED SO OFTEN WITH MY PRIVATE CLIENTS, IT WARRANTED A FULL ARTICLE EXPOSE. FOR TODAY, LET’S BREAK DOWN THE THE SOOTHING SELF-LOVE TOOLS THAT HELP ATTRACT OUR BEST PARTNERSHIPS & STOP SELF SABOTAGING ROMANTIC SUCCESS.
As the New Year starts, let’s worry less about cutting out carbs or finding “the one,” and instead treat the root of the problem so the symptoms of unhealthy cravings and behaviors disappear naturally.
THE BACKSTORY: Those without proper foundational support often go through life feeling unsafe, unworthy, and unstable. A fear of being found out, left, deemed unlovable haunts every move in each partnership and love affair.
THE PROBLEM: The more we seek love externally, the less appealing we become to those we seek it from. It’s a cruel dichotomy. Those that need healing love the most are the least equipped to attract it. …UNTIL WE LEARN HOW TO GIVE IT TO OURSELF
Those best at the love game must pretend they’re not dependent on love because they already have so much inside, they can give it out freely. This makes attracting more love easy as people flock to confidence. This requires us to either be fantastic actors, or develop actual self love.
We know the cliche “we can’t give what we don’t have”. We also know needy, clingy, and desperate aren’t sexy. But trying to come off brave, confident, and carefree is tricky if your early experiences sent you the opposite message and left you feeling unsafe and insecure. When a delayed text response triggers a parade of doomsday inner dialogue bringing back early unstable horrors, it can feel pretty impossible to remain a cool cucumber full of positivity and faith.
that’s why we practice, why we build a toolbox of tools.
THE SOLUTION: Thankfully, we really can learn to soothe ourselves. We can learn to trust the process/universe/God, We can live in faith. And we can come off as confident because we can build inner confidence, inner hope, inner belief in ourselves and the safety of our surrounding. We can rewrite our unfortunate early programming and take advantage of neuroplasticity (the brains ability to regenerate & rewire based on thoughts, actions, and nutrition).
Step 1: TAKE NOTE! … NOTICE WHEN OUR BRAIN IS GOING TO A PANICKED, FEARFUL PLACE. Our negative inner dialogue may be relentless and constant, but it isn’t that creative. it uses the same tactics, the same fears to keep us down. Notice when the “you’re going to be alone forever” or “can’t trust yourself to make the right choices & will forever be unloveable & abandoned” start chirping in. Once you hear those old patterns popping up, pause & unplug.
STEP 2: REDIRECT FOCUS… Distract your monkey mind with the fruits of positivity hanging just to the left of the scary threats that lurk to the right. Do an actual recount of all that you do right, are good at, are uniquely gifted with, and showed up for. NOTICE HOW DIFFERENTLY YOU FEEL when you deliberately focus on things going right and all of your gifts.
STEP 3: BREATHE & VISUALIZE BEING SUPPORTED … fill up with healing oxygen, slow your heart rate, calm your nervous system, and switch your physiology for the better. (see the guided meditation I use below)
STEP 4: GRAB THE QUICK WIN … Something small you’re proud of goes along way to proving to yourself you can soothe and support your wellbeing-especially in the moment of panic. Drop and do 20 pushups, knock out something small on your to-do list, make a hydrating green smoothie, call a friend and share some gratitude lifting them up and strengthening your supportive loving relationships.
the guided meditation I use:
I close my eyes and breath deeply and slowly through my nose. I visualizing a warm loving light surrounding me from above, enveloping my entire body. I see myself plug into the wall, into the outlet of inspired, joyful, excited, creative, whimsical, fun, kind, connection. I let myself smile as I bathe in all of this positivity, all of this loving energy, all that is right in the world.
I let myself deserve this light bath, this reprieve from fear, worry, negativity. In this yellow dome, I am present. I am safe. I am calm. I am tapped into all that is good, all that is happy, all that is working toward the betterment of myself and others. I feel the warmth on my skin.
So the next time you’re triggered and the walls are coming in and you desperately want to reach out for soothing and validation from a new lover, try self soothing meditation first & grab a quick private win strengthening the inner confidence muscle that deeply knows that everything is going to be alright and you really are deserving of love, attention, affection, and adoration.
It takes practice before it replaces the negative default so start the strengthening process and practice unplugging from the false prophets negative grip. Plug back into the happy space you deserve to enjoy. The space that leaves you effective to help others, enjoy your life, and attract love.
AND OF COURSE, OUR SLEEP AND NUTRITION HELP BUILD THE HAPPY BRAIN CHEMICALS THAT MAKE FOCUSING ON THE GOOD STUFF EASIER. HERE ARE THE AMINO ACIDS, VITAMINS, AND PROTEIN POWDERS I KEEP STOCKED:
Omega 369 (high EPA) … Vitamin D (2000-5000 IU daily)… Vitamin B (lots and frequenty)… DLPA(amino acid precursor to endorphins) … MINERAL blend … Protein Powder … Fiber (flax, psyllum husk, powder form)… L Glutamine (brain food amino acid)… Probiotic… (tummy bacteria balancer for nutrient absorption)… Greens in Powder form (veggies dehydrated ready to throw in to smoothies or water on the go)…
Favorite foods in my fridge: Lemons (cleansing & Vitamin C)… Garlic… Walnuts (serotonin happy boost).. Banana (potassum)… Leafy Greens (smoothie power punches)…
A FUN REMINDER ABOUT OTHER BRAIN FRIENDLY HABITS & SUPPLEMENTS FROM DR. AMEN, AUTHOR OF CHANGE YOUR BRAIN, CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
you deserve to feel good!
You are loved & supported. * Just because our brain reactively says it, does not make it true.
We have the power to build the tools to soothe ourselves * Practice & Have faith. *
Plug into the good happy outlet & stop strengthening the harmful lying negative one.
We attract & keep our best relationships when we are plugged into our happiest most vibrant selves.
* We Deserve to Feel Good *